If you read my previous blog post on closure, you know that I think a lot of men don’t have the courage to tell the truth about their feelings when they are breaking-up with a woman.
A classic excuse that men come up with when they are trying to exit a relationship is that “ they are not ready for a relationship”.
I am calling it an “excuse” because I stopped buying into this nonsense a long time ago, after it has been used on me and many of my female friends.
It’s funny how men do say that we woman are so confusing…but boy does a man know how to be confusing when he wants to get out of a relationship.
Why on earth would a man date someone if he knows he is not ready for a relationship hein? Isn’t it the purpose of dating?
You might think that it is because he found out about “him not being ready” while dating that woman. I don’t buy into that and I am going to explain why in a minute.
Trust me there will be no confusion left in your mind about men and what they really mean when you understand men’s nature and know how to decode their encrypted language.
What is “Not being ready for a relationship” from a man perspective?
Whether a man is conscious of it or not, a man is biologically always ready for a relationship with the One.
Men are ruled by their impulses when the right woman comes along and the very reason they know she is the one is the fact that they can’t control themselves…
So when he says he is not ready for a relationship, he should really say he is not ready to have one with you.
It is you that he can’t really see himself in a relationship with, not just any woman.
Is he then simply lying to you?
It is true that most men would know from an early stage of a relationship if they think you are the one.
So in most cases, when a man tells you this nonsense, he is actually lying to you because he knows you are simply not the one.
But it could very well be that he has been unconsciously rationalizing why he does not feel enough attraction for you or chemistry and convinced himself that he is not ready for a relationship, so he is being totally honest with you when he says that…
Now that we got this out of the way, let’s talk about the real reasons why he might not be ready for a relationship with you?
In my opinion, there are only 3 scenarios to this situation:
- He is not that into you. He might have liked the way you looked when he asked you on a date, but after a few dates he realized that he does not have the spark for you, he does not feel that special connection which he wants for him to consider being in a relationship with you.
- He thinks he can do better than you. The grass seemed greener outside and he felt he deserved someone better than you…maybe a better looking, or smarter woman, or someone who take a better care of him or boosts his ego. The bottom line is that he does not value you and the time you put into the dating process…which could be because he is blind but it could also be your fault that you gave him too much for free…
- He is truly struggling with something. Although I think this scenario is the less likely of the three. He might be having some trouble that occupy all his mind and energy and he has none left for a relationship.
If he does not want a “relationship”, what does he want from you?
If this was his way of breaking-up with you, then he does not want anything from you, this was his exit plan and that was the end of the story.
Now if he kept texting you and calling you, or even just pocking at you on social media, this guy wants you to stay hooked so that he knows he has a backup plan whenever he needs it ( If he feels insecure at times or simply does not find anyone better…how convenient to always know there is someone available for us).
If he says he stills wants to see you but is not ready for a relationship, keeping it ambiguous on purpose, all he wants is all the benefits of a relationship ( sex, knowing that someone cares about him, feeling secure) but still having the freedom of being single and keeping all his options open.
This way he can disappear and not feel guilty about it, because he has never promised you anything and has been clear with you from day one.
What does all of this mean for you?
The major problem I see when a man says that he is not ready for a relationship, is that it kind of implies there will be a time when he will be ready for one…which is why we, women tend to hold on to the slimmest chance that he might be ready tomorrow…
I just demonstrated that in 99 % of the time, the man does not mean those words, whether consciously or unconsciously. So it is a total waste of time and energy to keep entertaining a connection with him in the hope that he might wake up one day and be ready.
Don’t we say that we “fall” in love, it is not something that, we human beings rationalize and decide when we are ready for. It just happens to us.
So stop believing this nonsense and understand that his words are a disguised way to say that you are not the one.
And you should be okay with it, you only need to be the one for one man, the man of your dreams, and this guy is obviously not that man.
What should be your reaction?
Whether he genuinely thinks you are not the one or he does not yet know your value and think he can do better, your reaction should be not to object or to beg him or to tell him that you will always be there for him should he decide to change his mind.
You reaction should be to accept his decision but to make it clear that there is no coming back if he walks away, and to mean it. That way this decision will be on a whole different level of important if he had the slightest doubt about you in his heart.
Have you heard of the concept of perceptual distortion?
People in general and men in particular have a much distorted perception of your value when they have “access” to you. Your proximity makes you seem too easy to get and makes them believe that it is within reach to have someone like you around them.
In order words, they take you for granted. ( and that could be your fault that you did not show your value to him through your actions, standards and positions).
Unfortunately, the only way for a woman to restore her value in the man’s eyes is to let him go and experience the outside world.
He needs to realize ( and be convinced) that he lost you in order for him to see your value again ( which can take time…but it does not matter…you could meet someone much better while he is “realizing”). If this does not help him recover his sight, it just means he never really saw any value in you.
If it happens that he still wants to see you but makes it clear that he does not want a relationship in any form or shape, you should be strong enough and have enough confidence to walk away from that indecent proposal immediately.
This type of men is a complete waste of time.
You should be convinced that you only deserve someone who is all in, nothing less.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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