Reaching 30 is a major milestone for a woman, if not the most important one…I don’t know if it is biological, or just psychological or cultural ( or all three).
Women in particular grow up with the pressure to have their life together by that age, and by life I mean being in a long term relationship or being married (a bit like if a woman’s life can be resumed in her relationship status…which I don’t agree with)
…. so when you are a woman over 30 and single, as much as you do not want to admit it to yourself, you feel that you are a bit behind. You see your childhood friends getting married and starting families and living what seem to you as their best life ( It is often not that perfect trust me).
People around you start thinking there might be something wrong with you, friends start asking too many questions, giving you unsolicited advice, and you start having embarrassing conversions with family members.
How to explain to these people that a woman’s life has many components and her love life is just one of them, although it is still an important one that should not be neglected.
If you are reading this post, you are probably over 30 and very single, and you are probably wondering why you still have not yet found a decent person to be in a relationship with.
I know how you feel, because I have been there myself, I was only 28 years old when my husband left me and I was still single going towards my 30 and very worried.
Here is what I think might be the reasons why you are over 30 and still single:
#1. You do not look your best
Can I ask if you take care of yourself? and please answer the question honestly.
Your appearance should be the first thing you look into if you are single, you should not take any excuse from yourself because you have 100 % control over that.
You should put a big chunk of your focus on your looks and try to look your absolute best when you are single, like a million dollar girl, especially when you are over 30, because you are in competition with younger women who have the advantage of perhaps looking better simply because of their youth
( sorry to let you know but yes you are in a competition, and you should not be worried about it because you can win it if you play to win not play not to lose), and for this to happen, you need to assess your current standards and raise them.
It’s not okay to be average, you need to look your absolute best, no matter where you start from.
You looks is everything from your weight, your skin, your hair, your nails, your makeup, your style…everything.
I personally started with my weight then my hair, my skin and so on, and I was horrified looking at my before pictures and making the comparison…I am still working on it everyday as my body undergoes big changes with age.
Check out how I lost 10 kg and what changes I implemented in my life to maintain my ideal weight.
And…your looks are not everything, how you carry yourself comes into play too.
As an over 30 and single woman, you can make a better impression on men than the young 20 something girls if you know how to use your assets. As you grow older, you gain more experience than a young girl, which should allow you display more confidence.
#2. You are too picky
I am sure you heard that before…and maybe you are too picky.
but let’s make sure you have the right understanding of what being too picky really means.
So what do people mean by you are too picky?
90% of the time, when people say this to you, they mean you are aiming higher than what you should, that you are below the league of the men that you want.
Only 10% of the time you are really too picky because you are reaching for the stars.
The question is not to know how picky you are….it is good to be picky…the question is where are you on the attractiveness scale, are you at the level of your expectations?
If you have been rejected a few time by men who enjoy the qualities you want, you need to reassess yourself.
You need to have a precise idea of where you stand in the sexual market place (SMP as called by men), and stop lying to yourself
…a lot of people have a hard time admitting the truth to themselves…so they become completely delusional, which is why they have disproportional expectations in life…so be truthful to yourself.
Once you figure out that, Ask yourself the question, what would make a guy with those qualities want to be with you?
And finally, can you make some changes to yourself in order to develop those qualities. Read my post on the 8 traits that will make you a high value woman, it is a good starting point.
And lastly, if you are truly too picky, you need to understand that finding a handsome, rich, intelligent, well-educated and well-mannered man who is also loving, caring, does not cheat…etc…is statistically almost impossible. …I mean seriously, you need to get this once and for all.
So if you manage to get 3 or 4 out of 6 qualities you want in him…you are a very lucky girl.
#3. You are too independent
You may be perceived by men as too independent not because you have a career and you are a successful woman (it is in fact a very good point that you are successful in your career), but because you make it too obvious that you are putting your career first, and you are showing men that it will still be your priority even when you get together, and majority of men do not like that…
If someone likes that about you…you should question his motivation, because this might be the main reason he is interested in you.
Your career and social status are legitimate considerations for a man in looking for a partner but it should not be the primary motivation for him to be with you.
#4. You do not understand how to be hypergamous in the modern world
You might still be single because you want to marry a socially superior mate.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with that in my books anyway – everyone has their own ideals and you have the right to do what they want -…the real issue is that it is difficult to find that guy who ticks all of your boxes,
that is why you keep dating hoping that you will meet that one person who matches all your standards, and one day you wake up and realize that you are already in your mid 30’s.
Now even for the regular guy that you rejected when you were in your 20’s, you are probably already a bit too old.
Sometimes you can be lucky and find that rich and socially superior guy…but I am writing this article for the majority of girls who do not meet such a guy.
So let’s be very honest, being hypergamous is being a little calculative to a certain degree.
And when a man’s wealth and social status are your primary motivation, I think you will attract men who are also equally calculative…those men will think “If I am wealthy, why should I be with an over 30 women who comes with a baggage when I can get a younger one” especially nowadays where there are just so many options at reach with social media and all that.
So you should not focus only on wealth and social status…because this is the fastest way not to get what you want and be single in your 30’s.
#5. You are too desperate
When you try too hard, give men too many chances, or you are being too nice to someone who is indifferent or even worse mistreats you, and only calls you for hook-ups ( when you are still hoping he might one day consider you more), this behavior smacks desperation and will ultimately make you low value in the eyes of anyone who crosses your path.
Do you know why you are desperate?
You are desperate because you want to be in a relationship so badly that you get attached to the first person who shows you a little interest.
You get attached too quickly to the guy and the outcome of the relationship.
This behavior ultimately comes down to not having enough love in your life, so you seek it anywhere and you hold on to the slightest hope of having it…trust me I have been there, and I know how it feels.
It is probably not even your fault that you don’t have enough love in your life, perhaps you grew up without a parent or an emotionally absent father or mother, or parents who did not show you how to love yourself and put yourself first.
If this is the case, you need to first learn the basis of how to love yourself so that you do not feel a need for outside love,
and then you need to learn how to stop worrying about being in a relationship and completely detach yourself from the outcome of that particular relationship
…because if it does not work with this particular man, there are many others who would want to be with you…and you need to truly believe it.
#6. You have strict non-negotiable standards
You have the right to have standards…but in some cases you might be too strict on what you want.
…I understand that you do not want to negotiate on certain things, like addiction issues or other matters,
but when you are over 30 and you have restrictions on the age and height and color of eyes or I don’t know what…you are just narrowing down your possibilities to a very tiny levels.
In general, you should start becoming flexible and be open minded about all of this.
You never really know what you can potentially like and dislike until you experience it…so give people a chance, be a bit more spontaneous and see what happens.
#7. You are not looking in the right place
As an over 30 single woman, you are not exactly looking for the same type of guy that when you were in your 20’s.
So you need to adjust to your new target and understand where you can increase your chances to meet the type of guy you want.
I personally think you have a higher chance at meeting someone decent if you are going on paid dating, because people are usually serious about the process when they start paying for it.
Other than that, you can meet people really anywhere provided you are not locking yourself home….is there something that interest you and you would like to attend a seminar on it? or join a class to learn a new skill, or perhaps join an online community on whatever you are interested in?
My post on where to meet quality men can be of help.
#8. You are not looking enough
There are two things to discuss on this point.
The first one is that dating is a numbers game for women, there is no magic formula, you need to go on as many dates as you can, and one day, as with many things in life, you will meet him when you expect it the least.
Your best bet to practice is to try online dating. Start by creating your online profile on sites like Elitesingles , Eharmony or Match.com and just go on as many dates as you can without expecting anything from them.
But this is only one side of the coin.
The other side is that you need to realize that just because you are doing a lot, it does not mean you get a lot done
…and this applies to dating as well.
Yes, dating is a numbers game, but to win this game, you need to use each experience to improve your next one, make better decisions on who to date and who not to date and waste less time.
This will get you closer to your final goal to find the right person.
So use the time between dates to reflect upon your behavior and your overall interactions with the people you date.
#9. When you are in a relationship, you always play “All in”
If you have some basic concept about poker you know that when you play “all in” you are putting all your money on the table with absolutely no guarantee to win, unless you have the absolute best hand.
So when you invest in a guy without him being committed to you, you are running exactly the same risks of losing everything (you can lose the guy…because you always have that risk anyway, and losing the investment you put in too).
Maybe he told you he was committed to you, but did he back it up with concrete actions?
Some girls I know gave their entire being to a guy, without having any serious commitment, and invested years of their lives (most of their 20’s which were their best years) and energy that they could have used to pursue other things, only to be left behind and replaced by a younger woman when the time was right for him to leave ( and it is usually when she is in her mid to late 30’s with children).
And women are not my only source of information on the matter, I also listen to coaching calls of a few male coaches that I follow on Youtube that help other men with their love life and I heard more than once a man asking for advice on how to leave his current girlfriend ( after he has been with her for many years) without feeling too guilty about it because she helped him out when he was young and struggling and now that he is all set up for success or already successful and does not see himself with her.
I don’t believe these men needed that many years to figure out that the woman they are with is not right for them, but I believe they were in the relationship for its convenience.
Let me explain:
Often a man did not commit to you because you were not his first choice, so he stayed in the relationship because he could not get his first choice right there and it was convenient to be with you on so many levels ( sex, emotional stability that will allow him to go and pursue his goals, companionship , reliability…and so on), as soon as his goals were reached, it vacated some space for him to think of his love life and relationship. That’s when he realized what he always knew deep down, that you were not his first choice.
Seriously, this should become a rule in your life from now on, if you do not have a serious commitment within a reasonable amount of time, you will not play all in with anyone anymore.
You need to learn that you should always keep your options with someone who does not seem to want to let go of his, and only drop this rule if you meet someone who truly is committed to you.
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#10. You have a bad personality
You might want to look into your own personality traits and find out if you are pushing men away because of one them.
Men dislike extremes, so if you are too needy, too jealous, too pushy, too controlling, too emotionally unstable, you are probably making them run away from you…
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A Final Note
If you are over 30 and single, you may have been doing a few things wrong.
Now its time to change that
Make sure you look your absolute best because this is the first thing men look at in a woman
Work on your personality to become an attractive person
Allow yourself to be picky but work your way to the level of your expectation
Be open to changes in your life and try new things so that you meet new people
Don’t be afraid to give a chance to someone
Be an independent women but keep it for yourself
…and bear in mind that you should never play all in if you do not have a formal commitment from him.
Now that you identified some of the reason you might be over 30 and still single, you may want to consider a self-coaching program that is the best in the world in my opinion. this program will teach you how to transform yourself and your love life by understanding the dynamics of relationships and what men really want and need. Check it out here. You will never approach dating and relationship the same way again. Check it out here.
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