It has become more and more difficult to have a date or a relationship right in our modern society,
so I decided to write a blog post about the 8 biggest mistakes that women make in dating & relationships because I feel that women are not told the real truth on how they enable their own misery in their love life.
Of course men have also their share of responsibility into this, but if you allow it, you are equally responsible.
Before you accuse me of putting all the blame on women,
let me tell you I am writing this post to help women and there is no better way I know to help but to tell the blunt truth, because the truth is liberating.
So are you ready for the truth?
I hope that after reading this post you will also realize that becoming aware of your mistakes and taking responsibility for them is incredibly empowering
Ok let’s dig into it…
Below are my top 8 mistakes that women make in dating & relationships which end up causing them a lot of suffering, waste of time and energy
1. Staying way too long in an uncommitted relationship
Let’s first define what an uncommitted relationship is (at least in my opinion).
A committed relationship is when you are either fiancee or wife, everything else is an uncommitted relationship, no matter how committed you think he is to you.
The reason I am making this point is because I have noticed over the years that so many women, including myself, stay way too long in this type of relationships and waste valuable years of their life…
and remember nobody has yet invented a time travelling machine, so what when time is gone…it is GONE.
I believe that women absolutely need to have a timeline in mind when they get into a relationship.
Now let me explain what I mean:
Let’s imagine a very likely scenario where you meet someone that you like, he may like you back, but he also likes 10 other women (co-workers, friends…etc),
some of which are out of his league…so because you like him he gives you a chance ( obviously he does not say to you “ I will give you a chance” but he says it to himself ),
you guys start seeing each other, you are really into him, he likes things about you but not everything, you guys get into a relationship and the next thing you realize you have been already in a 3 years relationship with no sign or Willingness from him to commit to you
…so he has enjoyed all the benefits that come with being with you (there is a lot of hassle that a man avoids when he is in a relationship believe me).
You might think he just needs more time or he may just be scared…Are you out of your mind?
I also heard so many stories of those same indecisive scared men who ended up breaking up with the girlfriend,
and meeting someone immediately after and marrying her after 6 months…
Let me tell you something straight up,
Men know within 5 min of meeting you first time if you are potentially the ONE or not…
I can expect he reasonably needs maybe 1 year to really be sure that you are the one, or really be sure that you are not the one,
of course there are exceptions, I am writing this post for 90 % of the people, I do not deal with the tail of the distribution (a small reference to my mathematics background: D).
So what is happening when a man takes that much time to propose?
It is actually very simple:
He does not want to admit to himself that if he would find a better person he would leave you,
or that he has serious doubts about you deep down…but does not want to take a chance because he is insecure and scared that you maybe the best he can do…
And you, my dear share the responsibility for this because you stay way too long in this type of relationships.
Before getting into any relationship, you should define a timeline that YOU are comfortable with,
I know that standards can vary on different parts of the world, but once you decided your timeline, if your man is still indecisive after you have given him enough time, you need to let him be indecisive on his own.
2. Looking for someone so that you can finally be happy and complete
Actively looking for someone to complete you is the best way to never feel complete…
Some women, especially those with little experience, think that their partner will complete them.
Little do they know that this feeling of being complete which comes from the relationship alone is just illusion.
Soon they realize that their partner’s job is not to complete them or to make them happy, that is their job.
In fact their partner has his own issues of feeling incomplete…
Nobody will complete you if you are not complete by yourself.
You need to feel whole on your own and then look for a relationship to share your feeling of completeness with your partner.
Here are some signs that you do not feel complete:
- You think your life will start when you get into a relationship
- You do not have your own direction in life and are waiting for the relationship to give you some direction…in fact your only direction in life is to find a partner
- You feel deeply sad and lonely and you cannot wait to meet someone to finally be happy
- You expect to spend most of your time with your partner because you just can’t stand being on your own or you are easily bored being with yourself
- You are obsessively thinking about finding a partner
What you need to do instead is to use your time while you are single to connect with yourself,
learn about what excites you in life, what makes you wonder.
Become obsessed with yourself and your well being. Be excellent at whatever you do for a living. Reflect on your past mistakes so that you can prepare for a better future.
3. Not fixing yourself emotionally before getting into a relationship
From the day we are born until we meet someone, we go through all sorts of traumatizing experiences that affect us to various degrees,
some of which took place as early as in our childhood and left us badly wounded, and are affecting our adult life in way we do not expect.
Most of psychologists even think that our childhood experience shapes most of our adulthood life without us knowing it.
So when you meet someone and you have not fixed your emotional issues (assuming that you are aware of them)…
you expose yourself and your partner to a lot of potential trouble,
because he may ( he actually will for sure ) say or do things that seem very innocent to him but will have the effect of reviving (reactivating) your wounds and bring to the surface all the unsorted issues…
and the same goes for him…if he has not yet sorted his own issues, he will be reacting to things you may do or say innocently ( and trust me you will) but will reactivate some of his unhealed wounds…
So for you to avoid a lot of drama,
you need to sort out yourself before getting into a relationship,
you need to do the work on your own, and take the time to heal yourself.
Only after that you can hope to get into a relationship in a healthy way.
4. Not admitting that you are just a hook-up
In this particular post, I am not talking about women who are choosing to be in such a relationship.
Everyone is free to do whatever they want with whoever they want…as long as they are fully aware of what they are doing and not fooling themselves.
I am addressing women who are actually in a hook up type of relationship but do not admit it to themselves, hoping that they might become more one day.
If this resonates with you, you need to understand why you are being hopeful about some guy who does not really care about you.
You may suffer from self esteem issues, or maybe the guy is out of your league and you never attracted someone with his status or the kind of lifestyle he has and you are under his spell…or the spell of shiny things around him.
None of this really matters, how you feel about him, how he makes you feel…
the only thing that matters is his intentions towards you…If he does not have any decent intentions…you need to cut him off no matter how good you feel around him or how good he is on the paper…
And just so that you know, some guys (especially the ones with ego issues…superiority complex, inferiority complex, narcissism…
all of that has the same roots which is a fragile ego) use those kind of relationships to simply feed their ego
…you are thinking that you met your prince charming when he is just using you to feel good about himself and go back to his life.
Some of obvious signs that you are considered a hook up:
- When he is the one proposing to go to his place
- When he disappears for a while and calls you out of the blue only to see you in his place or yours, and does not even bother to hide that he only cares about having some intimacy with you…
- He always talks about your physical attributes but never about other things like what he likes about your personality or your hobbies
Some of the less obvious signs:
- You guys never go on dates
- He has no intention to introduce you to his friends….let alone his family
- You always get intimate when you meet
- He is always busy when you ask to meet him other than at his place, or ask for help with anything
- He does not really try to get to know you as a person
If any of this resonates with you then cut him off immediately,
do not even try to tell him that you want more from him,
if he has not considered you more from the beginning, he will not do now
…and even if he does, you should not be interested because you are worth more than going from a hook up to being his girlfriend, you should be his girlfriend from day one.
5. Being available after he ghosted you
The number of stories I heard about guys ghosting girls after they dated them, only to come back later as if nothing happened,
and when being asked where they disappeared and what happened, they come up with the most ridiculous nonsense stories and excuses.
In my opinion, if this is happening to you, it is a mistake to even give him chance to explain himself, unless you are interested in behavioral sciences and you want to take him as a case study.
But the real mistake here is to actually buy into his story and give him a second chance.
Seriously, a man who is truly interested in a woman does not ghost her under no circumstances, unless he was being hospitalized or something.
In fact most men, when they meet that woman they really like get very insecure about her and they do not take a chance, they are their 200%
6. Getting back together after he walked away from you
This point is quiet similar to the previous one, except the reasons why this is a mistake are a bit different.
When a man walks away from you, it’s very simple in his head,
he thinks he can do better and that you are not good enough…so what made him change his mind and come back to you?
Well maybe he realized how great you are after dating other girls…or for a much darker truth…he realized he could not do better and now he is coming back because he thinks that he had you once, so he can have you again…
If you validate his little theory by taking him back…you are at fault…
You get to decide if you are a first class or a second class girl, because you have the power to let people in and out of your life…and believe me people will think twice before leaving you because they will know that they won’t be taken back.
7. Not leaving him after he cheated many times
If you were to ask me, cheating just once is once too often,
I get that some men are weak and can potentially cheat once and then realize the huge betrayal they made
…but if he does cheat more than once, it’s not betrayal anymore, its disrespect my dear.
You should never take back anyone who cheated on you more than once
…unless you have other reasons to be with him…but for the sake of your pride, you should not, because if he cheats on you,
it simply means he is not attracted enough to you.
Do you want to be with someone who is not attracted to you?
Staying with someone who is not really what you want in the hope of changing him
That is a big mistake in my opinion that I have committed countless times.
You should never look to get with someone and then change him to fit your ideal…
You can hope to change some minor things about your partner maybe like the way he dresses or his diet,
but what you cannot change is his core being, and things like his ambition, what he wants out of life, how he goes about it, how determined he is and traits of his personality which you do not like
… surely you can influence him, but you should be comfortable enough with the way he is without you hoping to influence him…because it might not happen…so what are you going to do?
Only he can decide to change himself but he needs to see where the problem is to begin with.
So when you stay in a relationship with the hope that he will change despite him showing no signs or willingness to change…you are just wasting your time…
What you should do instead is leave him so that he can meet someone who is more compatible with him
And you open up to other opportunities to meet someone who is more like how you want your partner to be.
8. Entertaining a relationship in the hope of changing him
You should never entertain a relationship in the hope of changing someone to fit your ideal…
You can maybe influence him, but I COULD NOT CHANGE HIM no matter how bad I wanted it and
And for him to change he has to see where the problem is to begin with.
Sometimes you want to change something in your partner that is part of who he is, like becoming more sociable when he is an introvert and does not like to invite friends over for dinner…
He might do it for you for a little while but deep down he will not be happy.
So if there is something you really do not like in your partner to be, my best advice is to rather think if you can live with it or not and not bet on him changing.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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