Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with – Carrie Bradshaw.
Most of the times I was single, I was miserable. I consistently felt inadequate and unworthy of love and I simply could not enjoy much in life as a single person, so I obsessed over finding someone new as soon as the opportunity presented itself.
I would find myself in the wrong relationships most of the time and I was pretty much caught in this vicious cycle.
There were many reasons for this repeated behavior, not least of which my childhood traumas that resulted in a deeply rooted fear of abandonment (which paradoxically would keep attracting the very people who would abandon me).
The very distressed emotional state that a break up would put me in prevented me from seeing what single life was to me.
I did not understand what an opportunity life was offering me of taking the time to reflect and learn from my mistakes so that I could get closer to what I was really looking for.
Single life is a blessing when you look at it the right way.
It is an opportunity to grow and develop into a more mature person who got her lessons, because now your own intuition but now you also have experience.
It’s only after I started seeing being single differently that I was able to fully take advantage of this precious period of my life and attract the right relationships to me.
Here are 9 things that helped me fully enjoy my single life:
1. Don’t obsess over getting into a new relationship right away
Few years ago, every time I was single, I would not stay single for a long time because I would rush into a new relationship.
what this did was that I never got a chance to learn from my mistakes and what I could have done differently in the previous relationship.
My short lived single life was entirely and solely dedicated to getting me into a new relationship…
why was I in such a hurry?
One word, fear.
Subconsciously I was afraid of the unknown and afraid of being alone.
and dating someone new was someone comforting. I was again in a state that my brain was familiar with and felt secured…it’s only a lure because I was not safe at all.
Whether the fear has a rational basis or not, it has the same effect on everyone. We see everything through our fear and it causes us to make very bad decisions.
so we date the wrong person again and again and we are unable to break free from this vicious circle.
If we want to enjoy being single, you need to forget about relationships for a little while.
The 3 most fundamental points you need to be clear on
Before getting out there and dating again, you need to:
- Be emotionally over your ex : You cannot be still romantically attached to your ex or still mad at him and at what happened and hope to successfully date someone new.
- Have the right mindset: You should be going out there with the positive mindset that life is giving you an opportunity for a new start.
- Have enough confidence on yourself and your ability to attract a new partner and build a successful relationship. On day, when you will be ready, you will be able to attract the right partner into your life.
2. Stay away from rebounds
Ok, now let’s say that you are well aware that you should not be jumping in a new relationship right away, but how about rebounds?
maybe you think that a no strings attached relationship will fill out some of the void in your life…but trust me it in rarely goes as planned.
it’s almost inevitable not to form a bond and get attached in a sexually based relationship for a woman.
it’s a matter of hormones, so my best advice to you is to stay away from rebounds because they do more harm than they actually bring you any value.
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3. Practice self-care, physically and mentally
This is the time when you need to go all in with taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally.
4. Find your purpose
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5. Stop comparing yourself to your married/in relationship friends.
6. Learn the lesson
The only way I found to get emotionally over my divorce and my ex was by trying to understand what happened.
At first, I had a need to understand what happened because he did not give me any closure ( we barely spoke after he announced that he wanted a divorce).
I really became obsessed with it and I slowly realized that this processing of trying to understand actually helped me get over him.
The reason for that is very simple, knowledge gives clarity and with clarity comes demystification.
They say Success leaves clues, and so do failures
I not only started seeing him for what he really was and not the image of the perfect guy I had in my mind but I also started seeing what role I played into this failed marriage.
This helped me learn so much about myself and my rapports with my ex but also to the world.
I also realized how I attracted my ex and what kind of people I was attracting in general.
I became aware of the insecurities that were causing me to make very poor choices.
I realized I had very poor boundaries and that I should not have been with him in the first place if I would have addressed those issues prior to the marriage.
I took full responsibility for where I was in life and I was determined to create a better life for myself.
Here is what I did to study my failure:
- I started writing down my thoughts and feelings on a notebook everyday.
I focused on answering these questions: Why my ex was not the right person for me? What exactly went wrong in the marriage? How did I contribute to it? What will I not miss in this marriage?
- I read a lot of self-help and psychology books. Here are a few books that helped me personally:
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7. Spend time with people who matter to you
It is important before start dating again to have a strong social circle so that you are not dependent on your new partner for all your emotional needs.
The only thing I would recommend is to reconnect with “real” friends or make new “real” friends, you really only need people who truly care for you and should stay away from superficial connections.
It is also perhaps time to clean up your social circle from friendships which do not serve you. Get rid of fake people.
And finally, when you are ready,
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8. Form new meaningful relationships
9. Date yourself
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