Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with – Carrie Bradshaw.
When I was single in my 20’s, I was mostly miserable.
I consistently felt inadequate and unworthy and I simply could not enjoy much of my life as a single woman,
So I obsessed over finding someone new and getting in a new relationship as soon as I found myself alone.
I would get myself in relationships that were not right for me and I was pretty much caught in this vicious cycle.
There were many reasons for this repeated behavior, not least of which my childhood traumas that resulted in a deeply rooted fear of abandonment (which paradoxically would keep attracting the very people who would abandon me and trigger my fear over and over again).
I was simply unable to see how I could enjoy my life while not being in a relationship and I did not understand what a great opportunity life was offering me by forcing me to be alone.
If I knew what I know today, being single would be the perfect time to reflect on my actions and learn from my mistakes so that I could get grow and move closer to what I was really looking for.
Single life is a blessing when you look at it the right way.
It’s all about your mindset.
There is no better time to grow into a more mature person who not only sharpens her intuition but who also has life experience.
It’s only after I started seeing being single differently that I was able to fully take advantage of this precious period of my life and eventually attract the right relationships to me afterward.
Being happy and single is not an oxymoron.
They are not opposed to each other.
having said that, it’s the same kind of happy that you get from being in a relationship.
and that’s what people get wrong.
They want to feel the same cocktail of emotions and have the same level of excitement when they are single as when they were in a relationship.
That is simply not possible.
Love is one of the most powerful emotions a human being will ever get to feel, so the truth is nothing will ever compete with that.
But what’s important is to know that it’s much better to be alone than being in the wrong relationship and your goal should be to make your single life as enjoyable as it can be, because only then will you be able to attract love that you truly deserve.
If you find yourself in a loop of always feeling sad about being single, these 9 things will help you be single and happy, and enjoy your life while being single.
1. Don’t obsess over getting into a new relationship right away
As I said before, I could never stay single for a long time in my 20’s and I would rush into a new relationship ASAP.
What it did to me was that I could never get a chance to learn from my mistakes and what I could have done differently in the previous relationship.
My short-lived single life was entirely and solely dedicated to getting me into a new relationship…
Why was I in such a hurry?
One word, Fear.
Subconsciously I was afraid of the unknown and afraid of being alone.
And dating someone new was somewhat comforting and reassuring.
I was again in a state that my brain was familiar with and felt secured.
The issue is it’s only a lure because I was not safe at all.
I would just replace one person with another so that I could feel that I am loved again.
It almost did not matter where the love was coming from and if it was real.
I attracted all sorts of wrong people again and again and I was unable to break free from this vicious circle for a long while.
Love is not a simple thing.
It does not happen just like that and it takes time to build.
So if you want to enjoy being single, you need to forget about relationships for a little while.
The 3 most fundamental points you need to be clear on
Before getting out there and dating again, you need to:
- Be emotionally over your ex : You cannot be still romantically attached to your ex or still mad at him and at what happened and hope to successfully date someone new.
- Have the right mindset: You should be going out there with the positive mindset that life is giving you an opportunity for a new start.
- Have enough confidence in yourself and your ability to attract a new partner and build a successful relationship. One day, when you will be ready, you will be able to attract the right partner into your life.
2. Stay away from rebounds
Ok, now let’s say that you are well aware that you should not be jumping into a new relationship right away, but how about rebounds?
Maybe you think that a no-strings-attached relationship will fill out some of the void in your life.
…but trust me it rarely goes as planned.
It’s almost inevitable to form a bond and get attached in a sexually based relationship for a woman. It’s physiological as well as other things and a matter of hormones.
So my best advice to you is to stay away from rebounds because they do more harm than they actually bring you any value to your life.
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3. Practice self-care, physically and emotionally
This is probably the best time to start taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally.
What you can do physically:
- Get back in shape, go to the gym or practice your favorite physical activity more regularly
- Eat clean food, learn about healthy diets and try on new healthy recipes
- Allocate specific time to take a long bath, I remember I decided I was going to allocate Friday evenings for long baths instead of going out and wasting my energy partying and doing meaningless things.
- Take care of your appearance, get a new haircut, get your nails done.
- Have a spa day planned every month on your calendar
- Buy more expensive makeup and skincare products ( I promise you, not only you will feel good about yourself but your skin will thank you for it)
- If you have any more self-care ideas, drop them in the comment section below.
What you can do emotionally:
- Ask for help if you feel you need it, and that could be reaching out to a good friend or getting professional help ( a coach or a therapist).
- Talk about your feelings, ( to trustworthy people of course who you can open up to )
- Do things that make you happy ( first, you need to identify what these things are, for me personally it was cooking yummy food and inviting friends to share nice meals with ( I hated eating alone), but for you, it could be painting, learning a new language, going to social events, yoga class, meditation)
- Stay away from negativity, and that includes good friends or family members who are toxic, who you feel don’t lift you up, and who always have something negative to say about you and what you do.
- Get into some sort of routine, ( wake up at the same time, have a morning routine, know what to do when to do in advance, because it helps give a sense of security and predictability to your mind, which will be very beneficial to your mental health.
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4. Find your purpose
If you are anything like me, chances are you can sometimes feel unfulfilled in your life if you don’t know where you are going and what your purpose is.
Maybe you are currently working on a job that you are not too passionate about.
or maybe you haven’t found a hobby that you really love.
or maybe you just feel a bit lost and you don’t really know what you are meant to do in this life.
Well, the good news is that you can use this time to embark on a quest to find your purpose in life.
And the perfect time to do that is when you are single because you can really be on your own with your thoughts and no noise or distractions or compromises to get on the way.
And in time, when you meet a new guy, you will stand out from other women having done this work on yourself and knowing what you want out of life.
5. Stop comparing yourself to your married/in relationship friends.
When you are single and you desperately want a relationship, it’s just hard not to compare yourself to couples and not be envious of others’ romantic relationships.
But I am here to tell you that one of the biggest lessons that I learned in the last 10 years is that we are each on a different path and that there is no reason to be jealous of other people’s paths.
That means that we are not all supposed to find love and be married by age 30 ( you know what I am referring to).
So if you find yourself 30 and single, that is exactly where you are supposed to be.
And if you have friends who have it differently, that is where they are supposed to be as well.
Trust me not everyone you see on social media sharing their perfect love is truly happy and a lot of these couples just keep the appearances but statistically will end up divorcing in a few years.
So focus on yourself, accept where you are right now, and be happy for them.
Your time will come.
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6. Learn the lesson
The only way I found to get emotionally over my divorce and my ex was by trying to understand what happened.
At first, I had a need to understand what happened because he did not give me any closure ( we barely spoke after he announced that he wanted a divorce).
I really became obsessed with it and I slowly realized that this processing of trying to understand actually helped me get over him.
The reason for that is very simple, knowledge gives clarity, and with clarity comes demystification.
They say Success leaves clues, and so do failures
I not only started seeing my ex for what he really was and not the image of the perfect guy I had in my mind but I also started seeing what role I played in this failed relationship.
This helped me learn so much about myself and my relationship with my ex but also with other people.
I also realized how I attracted my ex and what kind of people I was attracting in general.
I became aware of the insecurities that were causing me to make very poor choices.
I realized I had very poor boundaries and that I should not have been with him in the first place if I would have addressed those issues prior to the marriage.
I took full responsibility for where I was in life and I was determined to create a better life for myself.
Here is what I did to study my failure:
- I started writing down my thoughts and feelings in a notebook every day.
I focused on answering these questions:
- Why my ex was not the right person for me?
- What exactly went wrong in the marriage?
- How did I contribute to it?
- What will I not miss in this marriage?
- I read a lot of self-help and psychology books.
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7. Spend time with people who matter to you
It is important before start dating again to have a strong social circle so that you are not dependent on your new partner for all your emotional needs.
The only thing I would recommend is to reconnect with “real” friends or make new “real” friends,
You really only need people who truly care for you and should stay away from superficial connections.
It is also perhaps time to clean up your social circle from friendships that do not serve you. Get rid of fake people.
And finally, when you are ready,
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Thanks for reading this post,